The Musings of Some Guy

A perfect day

Posted in Life by J.D. on June 2, 2010

Ever think about how a perfect day would go in your life? Well, here’s how I think I’d like mine to go:

Wake up, shower, shave (if needed)
4 hours of meaningful work
A healthy lunch
4 more hours of meaningful work
A healthy dinner
A good workout at the gym, preferably lifting
Leftover time reading/watching TV/playing Xbox
Sleep

So here’s how my day really went today:

Wake up, shower, ignore my scruffy face
Go into work with a new case on my desk
Spend 4 meaningless hours in court to learn that an attorney couldn’t make it so the hearing had to be continued
A healthy lunch
Decent afternoon, stuck in court
Off to group, decent dinner, good session
Worked out, good lifting
Blog
Play some Alpha Protocol before bed

All in all not a horrible day, but not a productive one either. This is life. My anger has been subsided because lifting all those heavy things wore me out.

Night all.

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Effing phone

Posted in Life by J.D. on June 1, 2010

So I spent part of Sunday and all of today at home with my family. It was a good time. Usually always is, especially when I’m hanging out with my sibs. But every once and awhile I would have to go back to my phone and check it.

Did someone text me?
Did someone Facebook me?
What about Twitter?

Fucking pathetic. I felt best at home when my phone was somewhere far away from me and all I was thinking about was helping my brother do quests on a video game. Fuck that phone. Fuck our co-dependence on a phone that can do almost anything – except for bolstering your self-esteem. What, you get nice texts from nice girls, you say? Your coy response to them may be taken the wrong way because you sent it via text without an LOL. So now, even though you may have had the best intentions, you’ve made someone think something completely different from you wanted. Now yes, this falls under the if you don’t want a cell phone, don’t get one argument or the call me, don’t text me argument, but we’re gonna text you if we don’t have to call you. I’m going to text you if I don’t have to call you, because really, I don’t want the anxiety of waiting for a response that I may not wanna hear. I don’t wanna over-think your text. Sometimes I think I’d be better off in the Old West (not just because I’m playing Red Dead Redemption) or some goddamn time where they didn’t have cell phones.

You know what’s better? My coming-of-MSW-future therapist-mind connected the anger of being connected to my phone and hating it and being wanted. Fuck me! Think about it:

No phone = nobody calling me = not being wanted = not being vulnerable = not having to feel shit about shit = complete ignorance.

Sometimes that sounds so goddamn good.

But I know that’s not how I want my life to go. Like it or not, I’m becoming a social worker. I will be a therapist. I need the feelings that I’ve ignored for so long. I lived in the ignorance for all my life and messed some people up. I’m messed up too, but I can go back to senior year in college and think about a girl who could have potentially been a great, stable force and I screwed her away because she was boring. Boring. God, I’d kill for that stable, loyal, loving boredom now.

I once said that I will never regret a thing in my life.

Turns out that might be all I have.

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[Insert title here]

Posted in Life by J.D. on May 30, 2010

It’s time to start writing again.

And not just Bachelor Party, not just Warrior (which isn’t going to happen for who knows when. Maybe when I get more empathy?) But just writing. Writing to write. Writing about my boring days and finding the dark humor in everything. I used to write in journals every night, bitching about women and not finding the one and blah blah blah. It’s not happening yet, so I might as well focus on today. Love can come tomorrow.

So how long do you think I’m gonna do this blog thing?

I give myself…ten days.

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Old men at the laundromat

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on April 17, 2010

I sat there and read my book, waiting for the laundry to dry. I didn’t notice as I started to see older, white guys put in their laundry and sit down. When I looked up, there was an older man wearing a Devils hat with glasses and reading a book just like me. I started to make assumptions, that he was divorced, living on his own, and maybe used to someone else doing laundry. Again, these were assumptions, but it kinda made me feel shitty. If all my magic assumptions were true, I heard my conscience say to me this could be you. Now, for all I know, someone could have been there with him because they didn’t have a washer and dryer at their place. Still, it was a jab to feel that if I don’t keep doing the personal work with my feelings that I could seriously be old and rotted and still be single. There’s more work to be had there.

So what did that mean? It meant that I feel that I’m ready for a relationship again. Or at least a date. All the work I’ve done has made me realize my feelings, and I lived too long only looking out for my own wants and needs even in a relationship. This is actually a new feeling, to want a relationship. Every other time in my past it’s been nice to have, but I never felt like I do now about it. I like this feeling.

it’s still not right

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on September 18, 2009

It’s still not right. These feelings should not be here anymore. They shouldn’t be lingering. I know I’ve made the right decision, and I’m better for it, but this way I’ve never felt. Every other break up was clean, sharp, and never cut on its way out. This one is different. This one was in March but it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I didn’t really have time to grieve at first. I still lived with her for a month. Let me tell you what kind of experience that was. And then there was the months of messing around, still getting together, still hooking up, still spending time together. That didn’t make things any easier. I tried to break if off the hard way, and that didn’t work. Breaking it off easy wasn’t possible. Now if feels like a blade with serrated edges is coming out and deciding to stick and get tangled. That does not feel good. I know eventually it’s going to be removed, but it’s going to do a lot of shredding before it’s done. Maybe that’s a good thing – after tonight it feels like I’ll be spending a lot of time on my internship now anyways. I’ve been doing alot of growing up recently, and I know it’s not over.

inconsistencies

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on August 15, 2009

Last night, on the way home from a win-less day at the slots and roulette table at Atlantic City, it was 8pm and I was falling asleep. I bust all my buddies whose girlfriends/wives start falling asleep or getting tired after 10, and here I was, sprawled out as much as I could on a bus trying to nap. I cared about so little on that ride home. I didn’t care if I was unemployed, I didn’t care if I got laid off, I didn’t care if I got fired, I didn’t care what would happen to me if I did something stupid. I didn’t care about friends, I didn’t care about moving, I didn’t care about anything! It was such a relaxing but horrible feeling. I think I can honestly say I never felt like that before. I never felt that if I abandoned my friends I’d be alright.

But as I drove home early this morning back to Scranton, I realized that was all wrong. I can’t be like this. I still at times have trouble realizing that I am on the wrong end of 20, close to being 30, and still don’t know if I feel like an “adult.” I have a very adult job. I’ve tried to have adult relationships, and mature friendships, yet I’ll spend all day playing video games rather than going out. I’m a nerd, it’s true, but when have I never wanted to go out? Weird stuff happening here. I realized that I must rededicate myself again, a sort of washing-over. It’s very hard to rededicate myself to a job where I may not be getting paid in a few weeks, or worse, being laid off in a month or more. I am traveling through life, but right now I feel that I’m taking a seat on the bench and watching life go by. It’s weird.

the rogue’s gallery

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on May 20, 2009

Vulnerabilities

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on May 19, 2009

My eyes darted around, searching.
My heart pounded, the beats getting faster and faster.

You would’ve swore that I was being chased or stalked or something, but I was in a friggin Borders.

As I had a copy of Dan Brown’s Angels & Demonsand Chuck Palahniuk’s Chokein my hand I was wondering why my heart was doing so. If could be logical and health reasons, like my overweight-ness and perhaps it had something to do with the history of high blood pressure and heart disease in my family. Or maybe it was that I was by myself, alone, walking around Borders trying to look somewhat purposeful with two books in my hand. I check my cell phone even though it didn’t vibrate. Why do you do that? You know nobody’s texting you. Stop it! My conscience tries to reason with me, and it works. Now only if my conscience could relax me and put my heart and a normal rate. But that’s not working.

I walk around by myself all the time. It doesn’t bother me that much. I enjoy being by myself, in a relationship or not. Even when I was in a relationship I seemed to yearn for privacy, even when I felt that I was happy. What’s up with that? Is this something that’s going to haunt me all my life? Is the fast heartbeat going to stay with me until I die? I looked at other people that were walking around by themselves. If me, the man that’s so comfortable being lonely is so nervous, then how nervous are they? How uncomfortable and insecure are they? Am I socially backward or immature?

Am I forever going to be defined as the guy that no girl is good enough for? The guy that keeps to himself except for a few close private friends and no one else? Which Gemini side would win in the end, the one that can be loud, funny, and talkative or the one who cocoons himself and waits for things to happen to him? I know I really shouldn’t be worrying about this shit in this point of my life, but it’s difficult not to right now. You should be focused on your career and school my conscience tells me walking through the bookstore, but all I wanna do is grab the nearest pair of nice boobs.

All from a friggin walk around Borders.

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…and prosper

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on May 15, 2009
We rock.

We rock.

The first blog I ever wrote on here was about talking about movies that one just saw to death until it ruins the experience. Well, I just saw “Star Trek” and I am willing to talk about that movie to death. Even when I die, and my body re-animates as a zombie in the zombie, I will probably still talk about “Star Trek.” Yes, I’m a nerd. Who doesn’t know that?

I was thinking about the opening paragraph after I saw it with the gang tonight. After that, well, I dunno. Writing the obligatory review is just kinda boring to me. If you know me, I love Trek. Since I was a kid I identified with the escape to get away from the life of being bullied in school.

So, of course I loved this movie. Any crazy fans that want to talk about what’s canon and non-canon should shove it. It’s very, very unlikely that a Trek movie following the “Nemesis”time line will come out. The tenth movie came out in 2002. That was seven years ago. The movie before that was even four years prior! I’m just glad that “Star Trek” wasn’t a remake, but more of a re-imagining.

As Rob said, it’s truly a movie that can bring new fans in as well as please the old ones. So go see it.

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Life has lost its meaning (not really)

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on April 5, 2009

Damn it!

This is not the first time this has happened to me. I’m serious, this is how sad my life can get. Admittedly, this is one of the last parts of the kid in me that still remains. But damn it, damn it, damn it! I wanna stamp my foot and be cranky and just be miserable. Boo. It’s like that little ring above controls my life. Now, admittedly, I am a little heartbroken seeing that I can’t watch all my friends and family that I created to be on my college football game destroy the competition. I am a little heartbroken that I can’t get online and finally kill zombies with Paul and Micah and Nazi Zombies with Zach.

But look at all the things that I can do in the process! Like write this grieving blog about how my 360 sits without being played. Or how I could start the second draft of my book. Or more simpler things, like clean my room, or iron my clothes, or look harder for a part time job and a new place to live…

Or, I could do what I’m doing right now, picking up the 360 controller, staring with hungry eyes at the console, willing the thing to work. I turn the console on, hold my breath, hoping that the stories about the console working magically the next day as if nothing happened was true…

Red fucking rings.

I look around my room. It could be really cleaned. There’s lots of shit on the floor that could be picked up. Not to mention a dusting. Things can be done today!

Ah, what the fuck am I kidding. When the 360 is shipped away, the Wii is gonna take its place.