The Musings of Some Guy

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on May 1, 2011

Next week at this time there will be caps, gowns, smiles, tears, laughs, and pictures had. There will be handshakes, hugs, introductions, and good-byes. The question that still lingers for me is now what? What will we do? What will we become?

We will become what we have become.

The answer came quickly to me, and instead of being satisfied I was confused. I had the answer with minimal processing. I have to remind myself that this is a good thing. I believe that three years of graduate school changed me for the better in all areas, especially self-awareness, empathy, assessment, and practice. I have ideas about what kind of social worker that might mold me one day. This change is in all of us, no matter what different letters we have next to our names. We will be the change in our professional lives. Our personal and professional change may be what leads us to that supervisor or clinical director position. It may lead us to be an administrator one day.

It’s you. It’s me. We must be that change. We have to start it. If we haven’t started it yet, today’s a beautiful day to begin.

Free Saturday

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on May 1, 2011

This was my first Saturday that didn’t involve being in class all day or stuck in church. What’s the big deal, you ask? Let me put it in perspective for you: for three years your Saturday is in class from 9-4, with content that at times is confusing, deep, and sometimes too personal. When you come home you’re tired, and that’s not even taking into account travel time if you’re from a distance. I totally understand that I chose to do this and am a better person and hopefully a good social worker and future therapist as a result. So, a Saturday to bum around and do really nothing was so nice that I decided to blog about it. Here’s what I did (or kinda did):

Slept in
Slept in some more
Cleaned my room (what? Oh yes, my room is spotless for today)
Call of Duty
More Call of Duty
Lunch
Even more Call of Duty
Shower (sweet, sweet 2pm shower)
Watched TV
Dinner, drinks, and TV with some of my best friends.

That’s a great day, considering my Saturdays consisted of waking up, showering, going to class, napping, and not having any energy to go out.

I think the first thing I’ll do after graduation is grow a post-MSW beard.

Internet dating

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on April 29, 2011

This is the first time that I’ve written something that isn’t related to vicarious trauma in the child welfare caseworker, aggravated circumstances and policy change, and psychodynamic theory (fun stuff, right?).

I joined eHarmony about a year ago because I was asking myself those normal, single-person questions. What’s wrong with me? Do I need another person to fill my life right now? Am I afraid to be alone?  Of course there was also damn, I need to get laid. I was hopeful at first, understanding that all I needed was a little push to get me on a date and then my past dating experience could take it from there. I started talking to a few matches and made dates. I was naively surprised that some women didn’t post recent pictures (I remember one was from three years ago). Now while I’m not in shape, you must have some guts to put a picture up from three years ago and hope the person on the other side falls for your trick (or never decides to meet you). The last eHarmony date I went on was in February, but that wasn’t a date so much as a random hookup.

Then I joined Plentyoffish, a free dating site. I actually found a more diverse amount of women here and had more fun. There were never any dates, though, as I found my avoidant personality stopped me from ever meeting anyone. There were Bible freaks, mental hospital weirdos, and the women in college that were just too naive. It seemed that the professional women I talked with lived too far away or lost interest with me.

So far, internet dating has been like  a huge tease. I’m not sure if I’ll ever meet someone here or not, but for those of you still reading, here’s been my generic experience so far:

  1. Every woman is “fun loving and spontaneous.” If you really exhibited those qualities, I would expect you to grab my hand and run as we went skydiving before I even learned your last name. Please be honest with yourself. Say if you don’t do well in social situations rather than being in denial and saying that you’re “fun loving and spontaneous.”
  2. Dog lovers. Listen, I like dogs. I probably will own one when I own a home. Showing me 132 pictures of Fluffy the poodle on her birthday and telling me her life story is nauseating.
  3. “I’m looking for the one.” I’ve been guilty of this. Recently, when I message a woman I stick to getting to know her, just talking, and seeing what happens. Sounds normal, right? I wasn’t like that. I wanted to get in your pants as soon as possible and figure out the rest later. That worked out real well. Women ready to pick out curtains after a couple of messages exist, though, and that’s just scary.

What’s the moral of this? I don’t think there is one. I joined internet dating to find companionship, and to use a baseball analogy, hit and flied out to left. I’m not sure if I’ll come up to the batters box next time around, but I have definitely been thrown some unique pitches.

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on September 30, 2010

I’m watching Sportscenter and they’re talking about the strategies (or lack thereof) of teams like the Yankees and Devil Rays are using to keep their key players rested and prepping the ones that need the most work in garbage time for the playoffs. Then it occurred to me: I don’t care. Even if the Red Sox did make the playoffs I don’t know if I would have cared. For those of us that don’t even watch baseball, we’re about to be treated for two more months of playoffs that will drag on and actually make us happy to see basketball again.

Talk about a stretch.

So then I thought, this is America’s Pastime! The great game of baseball! The game of Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Jackie Robinson and Carl Yastrzemski!

Oh. It’s also the game of Ty Cobb, Mickey Mantle, the Black Sox, Canseco, BALCO, McGwire, Sosa, Pete Rose, A-Rod, Bonds, and that idiot Bud Selig.

HGH? Is that like beer and hot dogs?

Should more negative things come to mind when I think about the sport that is allegedly America’s Pastime than positive? Maybe that’s just me, but seriously? If anything it makes me wonder if baseball is dead? Is it really America’s Pastime? Or is it becoming a P.S. to the sports world?  How many of us throw baseball under the rug when football starts? I know I’m one of them. Baseball is a nuisance to me when they advertise wild card or divisional rounds. Get this off the television! I wanna see Aaron Rodgers bomb it out!

I’m not sure how many people want to see how baseball was played in the 19th century (maybe me, just once). McGwire and Sosa dueling for home runs and doing everything but dry-humping each other after they both broke the record was interesting, but it goes away. A-Rod may eventually break the home run record, but that will also go away. And if one day we find that Albert Pujols used steroids, it’s going to break lots of kids’ hearts (including mine) but it’s going to go away.

Hitting 75 home runs in a season isn’t interesting to me. Something that’s interesting to me is a player trying to break Hack Wilson’s 191 RBI record in a season. Nobody past 1950 is even on the top 5 of that list! Try to break that record, HGH-boys!

Baseball is the bottom of the 8th inning with the score 1-0, bases loaded and two outs. A pinch-hitter comes up to bat and 45,000 people are screaming at the top of their lungs until the first pitch. Then it goes deathly silent. If it’s a strike, they moan and complain. If it’s a ball, they scream and clap. If you don’t feel anything with that many people willing one person to hit a bloop single to left, you don’t have a heart. All you feel is that if this hitter can score one, just one runner home that your team has a chance to take the lead and win the game. Baseball is that moment, that clinching, teeth-grinding, on-the-tip-of-your-toes moment hoping the guy makes some kind of impact with bat on ball.

It doesn’t matter if he hits the ball or not. Win or lose, that moment is going to return, and it’s the moments that you’ll remember, not the final score.

27

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on June 21, 2010

Today on my birthday I feel blessed. Blessed to have the family and friends I do. Blessed to have friends that will all sit around, no matter the place, drink and have a good time. Family that will laugh at each other and eat, eat, eat. We’re Polish, it’s what we do.

27 has hit, and as I type this I’m debating typing up eharmony and taking the internet dating plunge. It almost feels like a failure, but who knows? Could it be an opportunity?

I really should be doing my Supervision presentation.

Annoyances

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on June 13, 2010

Small dogs: I think those little shits and cats should be grouped together as probably the most annoying things on earth. Maybe even more than cats. Holy shit. I just said something’s more annoying to me then cats. I was driving to class today and I saw some guy walking a hot-dog dog (Dachshund, you didn’t need the fancy name to know what kinda shit dog I was talking about) and I had pity for the guy. For a second I wanted to run over the dog. It would’ve probably made the guy’s day. All those little things do is piss, shit, yelp, bark, and shit some more. Oh, yeah, girls like how cuddly they can be. Well, ladies, when your “I love small dogs” representative to the world is Paris Hilton, it should say something to you.

Begging to be stepped on

I’m going to fucking eat you.

I don’t want a fucking dog that can fit in a purse. I want a dog that looks like a mean sunuvabitch and is loved and adored by all. And I’m going to name him General. Shit, I should name him Patton or Leonidas or Ulysses or something like. I’m going to have the dog that makes little shit dogs like the one over there on the right quiver and run away. Like a fucking bulldog. Are bulldogs smaller dogs? Sure. Small as little prissy-pants over there? Not a chance. Those things look as tough as nails and can make women melt in no time. You know why? Because they’re fucking awesome.

Redheads: Holyfuckingshit redheads. They do something to me, man. I don’t know what it is. Similar to the heartdropping feeling I’ve had as of recent posts. I mean hell yeah. I make no bones about this. Redheads are hot, and if you are a redhead, watch out. I’m working out and trying to lose weight so I can bag as many of you in the sack as possible. I should have clarified this earlier. Redheads don’t annoy me, it’s just the entire manginariffic feeling I get around them. God damn you, redheads. But I love you!

Shaving: Who the hell shaves? God, it’s warm tonight. I think I should go Ambrose Burnsides on you all this winter. ‘Cause that’ll look great.

JD's beard circa Winter 2010-2011

And just because:

You’ve been RICK ROLL’D!

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The rich post

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on June 8, 2010

Rob and I were talking about this after the gym, so I decided to write this one out. We all wanna be rich. We’ve all dreamed about what we would do with it. Here’s mine.

The Necessaries

  • After graduating, pay off all my undergrad loans and the money the state paid for the MSW
  • Pay off all loans my family owns, buy any mortgages so my parents don’t owe a dime
  • Give my family as much money as they need
  • I would probably finish my education all the way up to my therapist’s license. Just in case tragedy would hit I could have some kind of job after going broke.
  • I would pay my sibs to do the same, and then after they’ve had enough education, they’d have a choice: pursue their careers as they see fit or hang out with me and be rich 🙂
  • After everything with my family and self was taken care of, my full attention would be brought to my friends. I’d pay off Beck and Paul’s mortgage, and buy Micah and Mandy a house. Rob could live wherever he wanted too. Or they could all live near me. Or both. I’d just buy a flat in Scranton.

The Fun

  • You guys know I love history. I buy as much land in Gettysburg and give it to the NPS. I’d also ask them for a straight dollar amount to be able to take a horse and ride around the battlefield with nobody stopping me and anyone else that wanted to come with me. In a broader scope, I think this would be my philanthropy. I’d buy as much threatened and non-threatened Civil War land and give it to the NPS. Preserving history and a damn nice tax write-off.
  • Season tickets to Fenway.
  • I’d be able to accomplish a life goal of finding the towns in Germany and Poland where my family came from.
  • I’d definitely travel. Travel, travel, travel. An ultimate history tour of the world.
  • A special Las Vegas Fund
  • The Todd Wroker Special aka “How much money do I need to close this strip club and make it private for me and my buddies”
  • A special Christmas where I’d give special people a blank piece of paper and tell them they had 6 months to create their perfect car. No expense spared. V12? Check. Corinthian leather seats? Good. Need for speed? Perfect.

I’m sure there’s lots else. That’s all I could get.

Old men at the laundromat

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on April 17, 2010

I sat there and read my book, waiting for the laundry to dry. I didn’t notice as I started to see older, white guys put in their laundry and sit down. When I looked up, there was an older man wearing a Devils hat with glasses and reading a book just like me. I started to make assumptions, that he was divorced, living on his own, and maybe used to someone else doing laundry. Again, these were assumptions, but it kinda made me feel shitty. If all my magic assumptions were true, I heard my conscience say to me this could be you. Now, for all I know, someone could have been there with him because they didn’t have a washer and dryer at their place. Still, it was a jab to feel that if I don’t keep doing the personal work with my feelings that I could seriously be old and rotted and still be single. There’s more work to be had there.

So what did that mean? It meant that I feel that I’m ready for a relationship again. Or at least a date. All the work I’ve done has made me realize my feelings, and I lived too long only looking out for my own wants and needs even in a relationship. This is actually a new feeling, to want a relationship. Every other time in my past it’s been nice to have, but I never felt like I do now about it. I like this feeling.

it’s still not right

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on September 18, 2009

It’s still not right. These feelings should not be here anymore. They shouldn’t be lingering. I know I’ve made the right decision, and I’m better for it, but this way I’ve never felt. Every other break up was clean, sharp, and never cut on its way out. This one is different. This one was in March but it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I didn’t really have time to grieve at first. I still lived with her for a month. Let me tell you what kind of experience that was. And then there was the months of messing around, still getting together, still hooking up, still spending time together. That didn’t make things any easier. I tried to break if off the hard way, and that didn’t work. Breaking it off easy wasn’t possible. Now if feels like a blade with serrated edges is coming out and deciding to stick and get tangled. That does not feel good. I know eventually it’s going to be removed, but it’s going to do a lot of shredding before it’s done. Maybe that’s a good thing – after tonight it feels like I’ll be spending a lot of time on my internship now anyways. I’ve been doing alot of growing up recently, and I know it’s not over.

inconsistencies

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on August 15, 2009

Last night, on the way home from a win-less day at the slots and roulette table at Atlantic City, it was 8pm and I was falling asleep. I bust all my buddies whose girlfriends/wives start falling asleep or getting tired after 10, and here I was, sprawled out as much as I could on a bus trying to nap. I cared about so little on that ride home. I didn’t care if I was unemployed, I didn’t care if I got laid off, I didn’t care if I got fired, I didn’t care what would happen to me if I did something stupid. I didn’t care about friends, I didn’t care about moving, I didn’t care about anything! It was such a relaxing but horrible feeling. I think I can honestly say I never felt like that before. I never felt that if I abandoned my friends I’d be alright.

But as I drove home early this morning back to Scranton, I realized that was all wrong. I can’t be like this. I still at times have trouble realizing that I am on the wrong end of 20, close to being 30, and still don’t know if I feel like an “adult.” I have a very adult job. I’ve tried to have adult relationships, and mature friendships, yet I’ll spend all day playing video games rather than going out. I’m a nerd, it’s true, but when have I never wanted to go out? Weird stuff happening here. I realized that I must rededicate myself again, a sort of washing-over. It’s very hard to rededicate myself to a job where I may not be getting paid in a few weeks, or worse, being laid off in a month or more. I am traveling through life, but right now I feel that I’m taking a seat on the bench and watching life go by. It’s weird.