The Musings of Some Guy


Posted in Life by J.D. on June 6, 2010

Yeah, it’s 7:20 on Sunday morning. So what? I can’t sleep in sometimes. It’s called getting old. If it hasn’t happened already to you, it will.

Late last week I was told that my Supervision class on Saturdays was going to be moved to McGowan. For those non-Marywood students, McGowan is basically where I spent my life in undergrad as it housed the psych classes. I’m proud to say my sister is currently prowling those halls as a soon to be sophomore. When I heard it was McGowan, I was very happy. McGowan! McGowan! The first thing I wanted to do when I got there was walk down the hallway with all the professors. I knew the names were going to be different but the feelings the same.

I remember sitting outside my advisor’s office waiting for her just to sign the damn paper so I could register for classes. Every time she’d look over my grades and make judgments that I thought were so wrong at the time. Yeah, they all turned out to be right. I remember once she said I should wait a few years for grad school. I thought she was nuts! So to spite her I tried it anyway, and soon after failed out because I just couldn’t do it. I wait a few years, get some experience on my belt, and in May I’ll have my MSW. Thanks, Sister Gail.

I also remember just the feeling of home in this little hallway. Most of the teachers knew my name, but I think this was because I was a guy more than I was a goof. You could knock and go in any of their offices and they’d be happy to see you. Can’t say that now at work. Every time you walked down that hallway you saw someone you knew. You said hi or you didn’t, but you knew they were going through the same classes you did. You knew that they were trying to find a reason to perform an experiment or they were trying to decode the god-awful nonsense that was statistics.

So, when I went to class, I made sure I left a little early so I could take a slow walk down the psych hall. It felt that I never left. I took a picture just for nostalgia.

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Holy mangina!

Posted in Life by J.D. on June 3, 2010

Mangina: the condition of man when on the exterior, he appears calm, cool, and collected, while on the inside he is scared out of his mind. This is usually triggered by the sight of an attractive female.

Mangina is a disease that all guys have every once and awhile. Some people call it cold feet, other people may call it being a pussy. I call it mangina. It’s an inability to take the first step and introduce yourself and make yourself vulnerable. Or do something silly and hope for attention. It is a condition of man that can make or break you, and hot damn it feels pretty good right now.

Ohmygod I totally have it right now. I haven’t had it in such a long, long time, either. I try to keep a cool exterior, especially around people I’m not familiar with, or when I’m by myself. I was by myself at the time, and the very attractive female walked past and said hey. I said what’s up back to her in my dashing, cool way (right), but inside, it was much different.. My heart sunk. That fucker dropped all the way to the floor. In my head I had been transported to grade school thinking Ohmygodthisreallyhotgirlsaidhitome! A shiver went up my spine and I this close to giggling. Fucking giggling.

In intelligent retrospect, I feel very happy just to feel my heart sink and emotions run wild again. Six months ago in the same situation, I probably would have wondered how I could have manipulated her into my bed. Not anymore. That shit was downright harsh.

Now, I’m waiting for that next moment for my heart to cannonball into the deep end and see what happens.

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A perfect day

Posted in Life by J.D. on June 2, 2010

Ever think about how a perfect day would go in your life? Well, here’s how I think I’d like mine to go:

Wake up, shower, shave (if needed)
4 hours of meaningful work
A healthy lunch
4 more hours of meaningful work
A healthy dinner
A good workout at the gym, preferably lifting
Leftover time reading/watching TV/playing Xbox

So here’s how my day really went today:

Wake up, shower, ignore my scruffy face
Go into work with a new case on my desk
Spend 4 meaningless hours in court to learn that an attorney couldn’t make it so the hearing had to be continued
A healthy lunch
Decent afternoon, stuck in court
Off to group, decent dinner, good session
Worked out, good lifting
Play some Alpha Protocol before bed

All in all not a horrible day, but not a productive one either. This is life. My anger has been subsided because lifting all those heavy things wore me out.

Night all.

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Effing phone

Posted in Life by J.D. on June 1, 2010

So I spent part of Sunday and all of today at home with my family. It was a good time. Usually always is, especially when I’m hanging out with my sibs. But every once and awhile I would have to go back to my phone and check it.

Did someone text me?
Did someone Facebook me?
What about Twitter?

Fucking pathetic. I felt best at home when my phone was somewhere far away from me and all I was thinking about was helping my brother do quests on a video game. Fuck that phone. Fuck our co-dependence on a phone that can do almost anything – except for bolstering your self-esteem. What, you get nice texts from nice girls, you say? Your coy response to them may be taken the wrong way because you sent it via text without an LOL. So now, even though you may have had the best intentions, you’ve made someone think something completely different from you wanted. Now yes, this falls under the if you don’t want a cell phone, don’t get one argument or the call me, don’t text me argument, but we’re gonna text you if we don’t have to call you. I’m going to text you if I don’t have to call you, because really, I don’t want the anxiety of waiting for a response that I may not wanna hear. I don’t wanna over-think your text. Sometimes I think I’d be better off in the Old West (not just because I’m playing Red Dead Redemption) or some goddamn time where they didn’t have cell phones.

You know what’s better? My coming-of-MSW-future therapist-mind connected the anger of being connected to my phone and hating it and being wanted. Fuck me! Think about it:

No phone = nobody calling me = not being wanted = not being vulnerable = not having to feel shit about shit = complete ignorance.

Sometimes that sounds so goddamn good.

But I know that’s not how I want my life to go. Like it or not, I’m becoming a social worker. I will be a therapist. I need the feelings that I’ve ignored for so long. I lived in the ignorance for all my life and messed some people up. I’m messed up too, but I can go back to senior year in college and think about a girl who could have potentially been a great, stable force and I screwed her away because she was boring. Boring. God, I’d kill for that stable, loyal, loving boredom now.

I once said that I will never regret a thing in my life.

Turns out that might be all I have.

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[Insert title here]

Posted in Life by J.D. on May 30, 2010

It’s time to start writing again.

And not just Bachelor Party, not just Warrior (which isn’t going to happen for who knows when. Maybe when I get more empathy?) But just writing. Writing to write. Writing about my boring days and finding the dark humor in everything. I used to write in journals every night, bitching about women and not finding the one and blah blah blah. It’s not happening yet, so I might as well focus on today. Love can come tomorrow.

So how long do you think I’m gonna do this blog thing?

I give myself…ten days.

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Damn geminis

Posted in Life by J.D. on August 11, 2008

Are you a Gemini? If you’re not, well done. If you are, well then you’ve probably been called two-faced and indecisive. But you’re probably a great thinker and witty (well thank you, if I may say so myself). But damn it, indecisiveness is killer! As a Gemini I at times think I can be indecisive, yet most of the times I see both sides of the story. Here’s some examples that are troubling me (and not just because I’m a friggin’ Gemini):

  • Relationships: On one side they’re great, but on the other side, who needs ’em? One side tells me that hey, this should happen eventuallyso don’t worry, for the love of your life should be around and the other side says you wanna wait around for some broad to come around and mess up your life?Now seriously, I’m not schizophrenic. I like talking to myself sometimes, but I don’t answer myself back. Damn Geminis!
  • Adulthood: One side tells me hey, you’re 25, what’s the rush? So what, you love video games and would rather talk about muscle cars than women? The other part reminds me how I’ve been rushed into adulthood because of your job, and you basically know how to parent a child correctly since your job is centered around how parents raise their children poorly. So you basically know what not to do. You see, this schism hurts the most as my learning curve for adulthood is skewed because of having to make best practice decisions for children. But if you know enough of me then you know that deal, so I won’t go on.
  • Expectations: One side says who the fuck is expecting anything out of you? If they are, they should shove it, as you live your own life at your own time, damn it! People will be in and out of your life because of what you do now, not what you’re expected to do. The other half reminds me of how I’ve been raised, and what is expected of you because of this. You are expected to live your life within reason and provide for yourself well so you can eventually provide for others. Blech.

The world is different. As my mother turned 50 yesterday, she was reminded that she had me when she was 25, my own age. I had time to clean out my closet while at my parents’ home and found all the old high school yearbooks and the senior pictures of people that I cared for. I found old, goofy stories that I wrote when I was 9 and almost obsessive poems about a girl I liked in high school. Always a Gemini, the goofy stories and the lovey-dovey poems were thrown out. Those were parts of my life that came and went. The yearbooks and senior pictures stayed. There are parts of my life that I’d rather leave behind. These are parts of all of our lives. Those parts stay with us all our lives, and we choose a select few to help us bear those burdens and flesh them out. While I believe I have found those people, I hope I can at least find one more.