The Musings of Some Guy

Vulnerabilities

Posted in Uncategorized by J.D. on May 19, 2009

My eyes darted around, searching.
My heart pounded, the beats getting faster and faster.

You would’ve swore that I was being chased or stalked or something, but I was in a friggin Borders.

As I had a copy of Dan Brown’s Angels & Demonsand Chuck Palahniuk’s Chokein my hand I was wondering why my heart was doing so. If could be logical and health reasons, like my overweight-ness and perhaps it had something to do with the history of high blood pressure and heart disease in my family. Or maybe it was that I was by myself, alone, walking around Borders trying to look somewhat purposeful with two books in my hand. I check my cell phone even though it didn’t vibrate. Why do you do that? You know nobody’s texting you. Stop it! My conscience tries to reason with me, and it works. Now only if my conscience could relax me and put my heart and a normal rate. But that’s not working.

I walk around by myself all the time. It doesn’t bother me that much. I enjoy being by myself, in a relationship or not. Even when I was in a relationship I seemed to yearn for privacy, even when I felt that I was happy. What’s up with that? Is this something that’s going to haunt me all my life? Is the fast heartbeat going to stay with me until I die? I looked at other people that were walking around by themselves. If me, the man that’s so comfortable being lonely is so nervous, then how nervous are they? How uncomfortable and insecure are they? Am I socially backward or immature?

Am I forever going to be defined as the guy that no girl is good enough for? The guy that keeps to himself except for a few close private friends and no one else? Which Gemini side would win in the end, the one that can be loud, funny, and talkative or the one who cocoons himself and waits for things to happen to him? I know I really shouldn’t be worrying about this shit in this point of my life, but it’s difficult not to right now. You should be focused on your career and school my conscience tells me walking through the bookstore, but all I wanna do is grab the nearest pair of nice boobs.

All from a friggin walk around Borders.

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  1. marissa1273 said, on May 20, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    First off..I didn’t know you still read my blog, so thanks!
    And second, its weird because this happens to me all the time. Whenever I’m alone I get out my phone to check for a text or I pretend I’m texting if I don’t have any. Its weird, but I always do it.


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