It’s still not right. These feelings should not be here anymore. They shouldn’t be lingering. I know I’ve made the right decision, and I’m better for it, but this way I’ve never felt. Every other break up was clean, sharp, and never cut on its way out. This one is different. This one was in March but it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I didn’t really have time to grieve at first. I still lived with her for a month. Let me tell you what kind of experience that was. And then there was the months of messing around, still getting together, still hooking up, still spending time together. That didn’t make things any easier. I tried to break if off the hard way, and that didn’t work. Breaking it off easy wasn’t possible. Now if feels like a blade with serrated edges is coming out and deciding to stick and get tangled. That does not feel good. I know eventually it’s going to be removed, but it’s going to do a lot of shredding before it’s done. Maybe that’s a good thing – after tonight it feels like I’ll be spending a lot of time on my internship now anyways. I’ve been doing alot of growing up recently, and I know it’s not over.
it’s still not right
inconsistencies
Last night, on the way home from a win-less day at the slots and roulette table at Atlantic City, it was 8pm and I was falling asleep. I bust all my buddies whose girlfriends/wives start falling asleep or getting tired after 10, and here I was, sprawled out as much as I could on a bus trying to nap. I cared about so little on that ride home. I didn’t care if I was unemployed, I didn’t care if I got laid off, I didn’t care if I got fired, I didn’t care what would happen to me if I did something stupid. I didn’t care about friends, I didn’t care about moving, I didn’t care about anything! It was such a relaxing but horrible feeling. I think I can honestly say I never felt like that before. I never felt that if I abandoned my friends I’d be alright.
But as I drove home early this morning back to Scranton, I realized that was all wrong. I can’t be like this. I still at times have trouble realizing that I am on the wrong end of 20, close to being 30, and still don’t know if I feel like an “adult.” I have a very adult job. I’ve tried to have adult relationships, and mature friendships, yet I’ll spend all day playing video games rather than going out. I’m a nerd, it’s true, but when have I never wanted to go out? Weird stuff happening here. I realized that I must rededicate myself again, a sort of washing-over. It’s very hard to rededicate myself to a job where I may not be getting paid in a few weeks, or worse, being laid off in a month or more. I am traveling through life, but right now I feel that I’m taking a seat on the bench and watching life go by. It’s weird.
Vulnerabilities
My eyes darted around, searching.
My heart pounded, the beats getting faster and faster.
You would’ve swore that I was being chased or stalked or something, but I was in a friggin Borders.
As I had a copy of Dan Brown’s Angels & Demonsand Chuck Palahniuk’s Chokein my hand I was wondering why my heart was doing so. If could be logical and health reasons, like my overweight-ness and perhaps it had something to do with the history of high blood pressure and heart disease in my family. Or maybe it was that I was by myself, alone, walking around Borders trying to look somewhat purposeful with two books in my hand. I check my cell phone even though it didn’t vibrate. Why do you do that? You know nobody’s texting you. Stop it! My conscience tries to reason with me, and it works. Now only if my conscience could relax me and put my heart and a normal rate. But that’s not working.
I walk around by myself all the time. It doesn’t bother me that much. I enjoy being by myself, in a relationship or not. Even when I was in a relationship I seemed to yearn for privacy, even when I felt that I was happy. What’s up with that? Is this something that’s going to haunt me all my life? Is the fast heartbeat going to stay with me until I die? I looked at other people that were walking around by themselves. If me, the man that’s so comfortable being lonely is so nervous, then how nervous are they? How uncomfortable and insecure are they? Am I socially backward or immature?
Am I forever going to be defined as the guy that no girl is good enough for? The guy that keeps to himself except for a few close private friends and no one else? Which Gemini side would win in the end, the one that can be loud, funny, and talkative or the one who cocoons himself and waits for things to happen to him? I know I really shouldn’t be worrying about this shit in this point of my life, but it’s difficult not to right now. You should be focused on your career and school my conscience tells me walking through the bookstore, but all I wanna do is grab the nearest pair of nice boobs.
All from a friggin walk around Borders.
…and prosper
We rock.
The first blog I ever wrote on here was about talking about movies that one just saw to death until it ruins the experience. Well, I just saw “Star Trek” and I am willing to talk about that movie to death. Even when I die, and my body re-animates as a zombie in the zombie, I will probably still talk about “Star Trek.” Yes, I’m a nerd. Who doesn’t know that?
I was thinking about the opening paragraph after I saw it with the gang tonight. After that, well, I dunno. Writing the obligatory review is just kinda boring to me. If you know me, I love Trek. Since I was a kid I identified with the escape to get away from the life of being bullied in school.
So, of course I loved this movie. Any crazy fans that want to talk about what’s canon and non-canon should shove it. It’s very, very unlikely that a Trek movie following the “Nemesis”time line will come out. The tenth movie came out in 2002. That was seven years ago. The movie before that was even four years prior! I’m just glad that “Star Trek” wasn’t a remake, but more of a re-imagining.
As Rob said, it’s truly a movie that can bring new fans in as well as please the old ones. So go see it.
Damn it!
This is not the first time this has happened to me. I’m serious, this is how sad my life can get. Admittedly, this is one of the last parts of the kid in me that still remains. But damn it, damn it, damn it! I wanna stamp my foot and be cranky and just be miserable. Boo. It’s like that little ring above controls my life. Now, admittedly, I am a little heartbroken seeing that I can’t watch all my friends and family that I created to be on my college football game destroy the competition. I am a little heartbroken that I can’t get online and finally kill zombies with Paul and Micah and Nazi Zombies with Zach.
But look at all the things that I can do in the process! Like write this grieving blog about how my 360 sits without being played. Or how I could start the second draft of my book. Or more simpler things, like clean my room, or iron my clothes, or look harder for a part time job and a new place to live…
Or, I could do what I’m doing right now, picking up the 360 controller, staring with hungry eyes at the console, willing the thing to work. I turn the console on, hold my breath, hoping that the stories about the console working magically the next day as if nothing happened was true…
…
Red fucking rings.
I look around my room. It could be really cleaned. There’s lots of shit on the floor that could be picked up. Not to mention a dusting. Things can be done today!
Ah, what the fuck am I kidding. When the 360 is shipped away, the Wii is gonna take its place.
It’s an art form
Imagine that someone close to you rebuffed you in some surprising way that made you retreat into yourself a little bit and close off for awhile. Imagine that this person hurt you, and you don’t know how to repay them properly. Well, with just money for several lap dances at the local gentlemen’s club, you too can learn how to be a soulcrusher!
How can I be a soulcrusher, you ask? Well, it’s quite simple, actually. If you’ve known this person for awhile then you must certainly know the Obvious Fault. What’s that? Well the person’s most widely known fault that people usually call them on. But if it’s the most widely known fault, why use it? you may ask. You use it because you probably never have used it on the person that has denied you something to be nice to them. Well, now it’s time to shove in their face with cruel honesty! Insults like “I’ve seen special needs children smarter than you” and “jeez, there’s pieces of red, raw meat that don’t get passed around as much as you do” are always keepers!
Anger is a feeling that must be harnessed and used as a stake in the vampire’s heart for one truly to be a soulcrusher. Remember, your victims aren’t going to expect such hard and brutal honesty from you, so tears and/or physical violence may come about. So if the tears come, be ready to walk away! If the fists come, be ready to fight back! However, with the soulcrusher manual, if you’ve proceeded correctly, the victim won’t even know what’s coming! Here are some other soulcrusher favorites:
Breaking up with a significant other over instant messenger
Taking time out of your busy Madden schedule to tell your significant other the relationship’s over
Not replying to significant other when s/he says “is all you wanna do is fuck me?”
Saying “wow, you finally got it” as your victim realizes what’s been going on
So buy now!
4life Industries is not responsible for any bodily and/or mental harm as a result of using these tapes. This includes mental hospitalization, prostate removal, black eyes, eyeballs removed, tongues gashed, faces slapped, titties twisted, or drinks in the face.
Damn geminis
Are you a Gemini? If you’re not, well done. If you are, well then you’ve probably been called two-faced and indecisive. But you’re probably a great thinker and witty (well thank you, if I may say so myself). But damn it, indecisiveness is killer! As a Gemini I at times think I can be indecisive, yet most of the times I see both sides of the story. Here’s some examples that are troubling me (and not just because I’m a friggin’ Gemini):
- Relationships: On one side they’re great, but on the other side, who needs ‘em? One side tells me that hey, this should happen eventually, so don’t worry, for the love of your life should be around and the other side says you wanna wait around for some broad to come around and mess up your life?Now seriously, I’m not schizophrenic. I like talking to myself sometimes, but I don’t answer myself back. Damn Geminis!
- Adulthood: One side tells me hey, you’re 25, what’s the rush? So what, you love video games and would rather talk about muscle cars than women? The other part reminds me how I’ve been rushed into adulthood because of your job, and you basically know how to parent a child correctly since your job is centered around how parents raise their children poorly. So you basically know what not to do. You see, this schism hurts the most as my learning curve for adulthood is skewed because of having to make best practice decisions for children. But if you know enough of me then you know that deal, so I won’t go on.
- Expectations: One side says who the fuck is expecting anything out of you? If they are, they should shove it, as you live your own life at your own time, damn it! People will be in and out of your life because of what you do now, not what you’re expected to do. The other half reminds me of how I’ve been raised, and what is expected of you because of this. You are expected to live your life within reason and provide for yourself well so you can eventually provide for others. Blech.
The world is different. As my mother turned 50 yesterday, she was reminded that she had me when she was 25, my own age. I had time to clean out my closet while at my parents’ home and found all the old high school yearbooks and the senior pictures of people that I cared for. I found old, goofy stories that I wrote when I was 9 and almost obsessive poems about a girl I liked in high school. Always a Gemini, the goofy stories and the lovey-dovey poems were thrown out. Those were parts of my life that came and went. The yearbooks and senior pictures stayed. There are parts of my life that I’d rather leave behind. These are parts of all of our lives. Those parts stay with us all our lives, and we choose a select few to help us bear those burdens and flesh them out. While I believe I have found those people, I hope I can at least find one more.
The odyssey of the Favre
(HATTIESBURG, MISS: Future hall of fame quarterback Brett Favre and his agent, Bus Cook sit outside of Favre’s home near the pile of axed-logs for his fireplace, drinking beer.)
FAVRE: I can’t believe they don’t want me anymore, Bus.
COOK: It’s a shame.
FAVRE: Two Super Bowls. Three MVP’s. And what do I have to show for it?
COOK: Stop it, Brett. We’ve gotta look for other teams. Bruce (Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ GM Bruce Allen) and I have been talking back and forth for a few days now.
FAVRE: Tampa Bay? I don’t wanna go down there, it’s too hot. Besides, don’t they have seven quarterbacks? That Grease guy? Isn’t Phil Simms on that roster, too?
COOK: That’s his son, Brett.
FAVRE: His son plays football?
COOK: Come on, you knew that.
FAVRE: I guess he’s not that good then! Don’t they also have that Garcia guy?
COOK: Yes, he went to the Pro Bowl last year.
FAVRE (smirks): I went to seven. Still, they’d probably be willing to throw him under the bus down there.
COOK (looks): Alright, anyway. How about the Jets?
FAVRE: No way.
COOK: Why not?
FAVRE: Did you see Archie Manning’s kid at the ESPY’s? When that Timbercreek guy was making fun of him he looked like a twig about to snap! There’s too much pressure there. Besides, I’m a country boy, Bus, not some guy that likes the elevated trains.
COOK: They spent a lot of money in free agency this year.
FAVRE: But who to throw to?
COOK: They’ve got Coles and Cotchery.
FAVRE: I am not going to throw balls to some guy with the last name that sounds like crotch.
COOK (under his breath): That might’ve been the smartest thing you said all day.
FAVRE: What?
COOK: Look, Brett, why can’t you just see it when it’s slapping you in the face? When they drafted Aaron Rodgers three years ago, they were drafting your replacement.
FAVRE: I knew that-
COOK: The hell you did. The Packers were expecting you to be on the way out and instead you let your balls do the talking for you and play.
FAVRE: I played pretty damn well, thank you very much.
COOK: You sure did, and we’re both rich beyond our imaginations.
FAVRE: Something you should remember.
COOK: I’m not speaking as your agent, I’m speaking as your friend. You took your final bow last March, Brett. Don’t go on bad terms.
FAVRE: Huh?
COOK: Jared Allen. DeMarcus Ware. Mario Williams. These guys are gonna be gunning for you every chance they get. Is your body gonna be able to take all those sacks?
FAVRE: Bus, I’ve still got this record for games played…
COOK: One of a billion, Brett, sure, but I don’t want you to be on another list.
FAVRE: What’s that?
COOK: Quarterbacks that didn’t know when to hang it up. Joe Montana in a Chiefs uniform. Unitas in a Chargers’. Brett Favre in a Jets’ uniform? A Bucs’?
FAVRE: Brett Favre in a Packers’ uniform.
COOK: Not gonna happen.
FAVRE: But I made them!
COOK: And now they’ve unmade you.
FAVRE (pause): Who else is interested?
COOK: Well, the Yankees need some pitching…
The colossal struggle
- Mulder and Scully support my futon nights.
- Exhibit A
After the dull day of owning people’s souls in court and making sure the right and just people get their children returned to them and the lazy and dubious not, there comes to me an epic decision, something so great in my life that every day is a struggle to decide how I will spend my night. Will I spend my night on my futon, or at the gym?
See Exhibit A, the normal, everyday futon. Now, this is not my futon, so to speak, but this representation will do just fine. You see, people jibe me because they believe someone my age shouldn’t have a futon as a bed anymore. They say I should have a regular bed with a regular mattress and so on and so forth. Well, let me tell you folks, my futon has been broken in in a ways that cannot be explained. (Well, sure it can, there are some parts I’d rather leave out). My futon instantly relaxes any and all that sit or lay on it, especially in the “couch formation.” Napping is very easy in this formation. The “bed formation” or “fornication formation” as also called is also quite comfortable, perfect for sleeping amongst others. All that have laid on this futon have reported comfort, and some have even fallen asleep watching me play a game or chilling out watching TV. As I’ve told some people, I will only stop sleeping on the futon if a) I have a live-in girlfriend, or b) I move into a home. I have spent many a night falling asleep watching The X-Files, Arrested Development, and any other TV shows I planned to watch but slept through.
Exhibit B is the gym. While it was always something that I needed inspiration to go to, the gym has become a daily staple of my life. While I don’t lose wait too too quickly, I do seem to enjoy it when I go. I don’t diet too well, so it offers me a good way to work off the calories. I also enjoy lifting, which some people think is crazy. Sometimes when I’ve had a shitty day, the best way to get out my anger is to take it out on the weights. Cardio is okay, I can’t run for shit, but the elliptical is always a good time. So, this is the monument task put to me every night. Do I go to the gym and sweat out the night, or do I lay on the comforting futon and let the stories take me away like Calgon.
This shit is tough.
Exhibit B
icanhascheezburger supports my gym habit.
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